Hold On
by Giuliana
Summary: Fraser's fading away and Kowalski's powerless to stop it.


Pairing: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski  
  
Rating: PG for language, adult topics, and a whole lotta love. If slash ain't your cup of tea, walk on by.  
  
Disclaimers: They aren't mine. And at the moment they're very happy about that. The lyrics quoted at the end belong to Sarah MacLachlan and are reprinted without permission, but with the highest respect.  
  
This takes place about 8 years after "Call of the Wild."  
  
Viridian said it best: Some stories you don't want to write; you write them because you _have _to.  
  
I've had this idea for a long time now, but I never thought that I'd ever write it. But I did.  
  
For Ron. For Nonnie. For Grandma Jo. For Mrs. VanWinkle. I miss all of you.  
  
And for my mother, Jane. Stay strong.  
  
Feedback will be very appreciated at Antigone921@aol.com  


  


~~~~~~~~  
"Hold On"  
by Giuliana  
May 2000  
~~~~~~~~  


  


Ben's asleep now. Under my head, his broad chest moves in steady up and down movements, but his breathing is no longer the smooth inhale and exhale it was only six months ago. It's now labored, a shaky in-breath and a wheezing out-breath. The disease that has taken over most of his body hasn't taken over his lungs yet, but the pressure under them from the cancer has made a simple, natural thing like breathing difficult for him.  
  
Cancer. Otherwise healthy 45-year-old men are not supposed to get cancer. Not Constable Benton Fraser, the SuperMountie. Not Ben, my lover. Not him.  
  
But he did. And he's slowly losing his fight and there's nothin' I can do about it except lie here and listen to him breathe.  
  
Fuck, I can't believe it was only six months ago that everything seemed okay. It feels like a lifetime ago now. We were here in Inuvik, spending half of our time working together on whatever case happened to come up, and spending the other half in our cabin making love, talking, just being together.  
  
Six months ago all that changed.  
  
***  
  
Fraser hadn't been feeling well, but we figured that it was only the flu or something. Then one day he had collapsed right in front of me, gripping his stomach, tears of pain running down his face...  
  
We had him flown to the nearest fully equipped hospital. When the doctor had come out, I was expecting everything, anything, except what he said:  
  
Cancer.   
  
It had started in his stomach, but because it hadn't been detected earlier, it had spread to his surrounding organs...  
  
And it was inoperable.  
  
The doctor had began to talk about treatment, about radiation and Chemotherapy, but I was no longer listening. I walked by him and made my way to Ben's room. When I got there and saw him in the paper gown, the tears that had threatened to fall did. Not even caring about the nurse in the room, I went over to the narrow bed, got in, wrapped my arms around him, and cried. He was unconscious because of the pain medication, but it didn't matter to me. I just needed to be near him. To feel him.  
  
We moved to Edmonton after he was diagnosed because he would get better treatment there. Vecchio and Stella had flown up with their daughter to see him. Welsh, Turnbull, Thatcher, Huey, and Dewey had all come up as well. Hell, even Mort had come.  
  
Frannie had been unable to stop crying when she visited. She had taken one look at him and had broken down. I couldn't blame her. It took all my strength not join her. It had been right after his Chemo dosage had increased, and he had began to lose his hair and the weight was coming off of him rapidly. He had looked terrible.  
  
Still, when he told me that he wanted to stop the Chemo I was angry.   
  
No. I was furious.   
  
I said a lot of thing I wish I could've taken back. Told him he was a coward. Told him he was giving up. Told him he didn't really love me if he was going to do that.  
  
Then I looked at his face.  
  
His blue eyes were tried, with deep dark circles under them. His skin was no longer a lightly golden shade, but an extremely pale, sickly gray tone. The bones in his face were clearly visible since the Chemo and radiation treatments had caused him to lose most of his appetite and made him sick when he did eat. He was the bravest and strongest person I had ever met and all he wanted was some peace.  
  
I realized that if I didn't let him have it, then it was me who didn't really love him.  
  
And I did love him. I do love him. More than ever. More than I ever thought was possible.  
  
So I went along with it.  
  
In the months that had followed, he gained back some of the weight and he truly looked better. His hair had even began to grow back. His pain had been lessened somewhat by painkillers. On the outside he had looked much like he did before.  
  
But inside his body the cancer continued to spread.  
  
The doctor had shown me the X-ray of his abdomen. Nearly the entire thing had become one giant white spot. It blurred as I stared at it, my tears making it look like snow. Like home.  
  
Shortly after that, Ben had said he wanted to leave. To go back to Inuvik. Back to our cabin. I agreed. The reason why was left unsaid by both of us. He didn't want to die in a hospital. I didn't want him to either. I wanted to be with him in our bed, in our cabin, with my body around his when he breathed his last breath.   
  
You know, before I wanted to grow old with him. Wanted us to be little old men with our canes and glasses, hobbling around, tellin' the Inuit kids stories about crime fighting in Chicago. About the days when the good guys won and the bad guys got put behind bars.   
  
Now all I want is one more day. Just one more day.  
  
One more.  
  
***  
  
I'm crying. My tears fall down my cheeks and onto his chest. Even though he's on heavy meds, he wakes up. It's like we're connected and he can feel my emotions.  
  
"Ray," he says softly, like a prayer.  
  
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I push myself up on an elbow and run my thumb across his bottom lip.  
  
"Ray," he says again.  
  
"Shhh," I say and lean down to gently kiss his lips. I kiss his cheekbones, forehead, eyelids, nose, chin. By the time I get to his mouth again, the tears are flowing freely from both of our eyes and neither of us are trying to stop them.  
  
"I love you," he says and lifts a hand to caress my jaw.  
  
I use my fingertips to brush away his tears. "I love you, too, Ben. So much." I kiss him one more time. "Go back to sleep, okay?"  
  
He nods his head once and closes his eyes. Moments later he is asleep again. I place my head back on his chest, this time listening to his heart just like I have done thousands of times after we make love. I listen to it, knowing that one night that familiar, steady, slow rhythm is going to stop.  
  
But not tonight.  
  
Please God, don't let it be tonight.  
  
Hold on, Ben. Please hold on.  
  


*************************************  
_Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell  
  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
You know that only time can tell  
  
What is it in me that refuses to believe  
This isn't easier than the real thing  
  
My love  
You know that you're my best friend  
You know that I'd do anything for you  
My love  
Let nothing come between us  
My love for you is strong and true  
  
Am I in heaven here or am I...  
At the crossroads I am standing  
  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And will see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile  
Across your face  
  
Oh God  
If you're out there won't you hear me  
I know we're never talked before  
Oh God  
The man I love is leaving  
Won't you take him when he comes to your door  
  
Am I in heaven here or  
Am I in hell  
At the crossroads I am standing  
  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lie awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And we will see another day  
And we will praise it  
And love the light that brings a smile  
Across your face  
  
Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell   
  
_Sarah McLachlan, "Hold On" _  
*************************************_  
  
**The End.**  
  



End file.
